Houston, we have a problem…

It’s not that Burrito Boyz isn’t in every way deserving of its massive success—their halibut burrito is good enough to have weaned me from my pre-Conservatory Class slice of pizza at Mamma’s around the corner. It’s just that both of the downtown Toronto locations have become so busy at all hours of the day and night that going in and ordering something is an intimidating affair.

And forget about finding a seat to enjoy your meal; you’ll have to make do with a nearby alleyway or nightclub stoop. But the passers-by won’t mind—they’re likely on their way to Burrito Boyz too!

The biggest single item on my to-do list before leaving for Bermuda tomorrow is to cure myself of a nasty habit I picked up the last time I was there. That’s right, I’m talking about Slim-Fast Bars…

For more than a year these little wonders had been the perfect dietary supplement for someone like myself with an unabashed sweet-tooth—that is until the missus had a look at the ingredients and asked “Is there really chrome in these things?”

Chromium Chloride, to be exact, apparently an essential trace mineral that metabolizes fats and carbs. With it, these little bars made for a nice lump in my gut that lasted longer than your average chocolate bar. But as my body is becoming quite efficient at digesting them these days, and I’m getting a little tired of both the bland taste and persistent acne I think it’s high time to give them up. The good news is that I’ve amassed a small fortune of Shoppers Optimum Points stocking my cupboard with them, so I can get all the zit creme I need for free!

… What, too much information?

Last night we decided on some kind of cooked Japanese food, and ended up at the CoCo Curry House. This was the special of the day, deep-fried pork on a bed of rice, perched on the shores of a large pool of curry. The photo doesn’t do it justice—it was delicious!

I got my after-dinner coffee here, at the Excelsior Caffé. LinLyn remembered that this coffee chain was written up in the TimeOut guide back in our hotel room. Apparently it’s a direct knock-off of Starbucks and they had to change their logo slightly to avoid a lawsuit, which only made it taste better in retrospect…

First up: Fran’s

Toronto’s oldest surviving diner (I think) scored points right off the bat for serving up their Thanksgiving special all weekend long. My ladyfriend and I took them up on it early Friday evening.

For $19.99 we got a three-course meal, including soup or salad to start. Knowing what was in store we both chose the salad, and were rewarded with a bowl of huge uncut chunks of iceberg lettuce soaking in a small pool of italian dressing.

And then, the main attraction…

Moving left to right, the bread was too dry to be of any practical use, the cranberry sauce was canned and the turkey/gravy combo merely average. Though it doesn’t look like much the stuffing was actually pretty good—maybe it was pan-fried? But the big surprise was those roasted ‘taters. Thanks to a generous dusting of seasoned salt they rocked! Oh yeah, the carrots were good too, but who cares?

Fran’s also got high marks for their pumpkin pie. Though it was served sans whipped cream—blasphemy!—it was obviously home-made, and the thin crust was delicious. Bonus points too for letting the missus sub out her pumpkin pie for a slice of apple. And I’m quite partial to Fran’s coffee as well.

Final Score: 3/5

Pros: Stuffing, ‘taters, pie, coffee.

Cons: The lonely drunk guy with the milkshake at the next booth who wouldn’t shut up.

Tulip Time

We visited the Tulip on Thanksgiving Monday at 8pm; fearing the infamous long lineups we were instead sat right away. It should be noted that the Tulip only serves their special on Sunday and Monday—points were subtracted accordingly. The score sank even further with their bland, watery coffee.

And here’s Tom Turkey!

For $12.99 you get all this… No plate-dusting necessary here—the mouth-watering gravy threatened to spill overboard if I didn’t start chowing down immediately. The turkey was nice and tender too, with a mound of soft, gravy-infused stuffing hiding underneath… Surprise! If the cran was canned it was at least banged up enough so as not to retain that telltale shape. The baby carrots were really the only weak point. Our waiter regretfully informed us that they were out of mashed potatoes, but home-fries did fine in their stead, so long as they were covered in that sweet, sweet gravy—which they were.

And that mountain of bread you see in background comes standard with any Tulip entree…

That $12.99 doesn’t include starters or dessert, but I had to order pie anyhow—just for comparison’s sake. It didn’t disappoint; as you can see, homemade whipped cream was there in abundance, but really… They had me at the gravy.

Final Score: 4/5

Pros: Price, serving size, gravy, real whipped cream..

Cons: No vomitorium on premises.

And with that, I do not wish to see any of the above-mentioned food groups until Christmas Day, at the earliest!

Before you buy that case of Red Bull you may want to read this…

Yesterday on a whim I dropped $2.59 on this can of Guru Lite—all the taste with only half the enlightenment! I didn’t feel any different until I had a chance to watch some TV; suddenly and out of nowhere I got this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness, like I should be out running a marathon or pulling tractor-trailers with my teeth.

My pulse seemed normal but I was sure my heart was racing, so I found myself some more busy work to do. And when it came time to lay my head to rest I found it almost impossible to get to sleep.

From now on I’ll stick to coffee, thank-you very much!

This is what you get when you order Japanese sushi from a Vietnamese sushi chef… A huge platter of delicious food that’s irreverent in both size and taste!

My first meal back in the first world—it was either this or a thirty-dollar burger at our hotel.

Still, it’s gonna cost me…

The mascot for Page’s Restaurant in Niagara Falls, New York. What’s a Whistle Pig, you ask? A “skinless” hot dog wrapped in bacon and covered in cheese sauce, that’s what!

Saw this at GNC over the weekend. Low carb pancakes… Hilarious!

As someone who’s dieting himself — hey, I could stand to lose a few! — it was with piqued interest that I tuned in to the premiere of NBC’s The Biggest Loser Tuesday night. And while all that sagging, wrinkly flesh will hopefully serve as a wake-up call to any fatties watching at home, I see this show as widely missing its mark — for two big reasons:

A show that kicks off the contestant who loses the least weight each episode is wrong, wrong, wrong. Did the producers spend any time thinking about the message that this sends to dieters around the world? If at first you don’t succeed, or if you don’t succeed fast enough, then you have lost… Nice. Why not just call it “Crash Diet for Cash”?

Also, at one point in Tuesday’s ep a woman freaks out about how much chicken she’s eaten and what sauce she put on it. In another clip the contestants are confronted with a huge breakfast buffet of both “good” and “bad” foods, and they have to decide what’s right to eat for themselves. Problem is, we the viewers never get any particulars about the specific diets they’re on. In the legal-ese of the end credits we discover that each contestant is supervised by a doctor and has a uniquely-tailored diet — that’s not a bad thing; in fact, it’s way better than the show being sponsored by Atkins or South Beach or some other bullshit fad. So how we can’t find out more about the individual meal plans? Shouldn’t TV educate as well as entertain?

Apparently not, and once again the biggest loser is the audience.