(It’s the humidity, dammit—a very sweaty yours truly with new friend Audrey Wong in Singapore, 2002…)

My blogging gig at iLaugh necessitates an open chat window to my boss via MSN Messenger. I have to admit that I’m still learning much the etiquette necessary to be an internet messaging master—like when it’s okay to let a conversion hang versus a proper sign-off. But it’s another person on my buddy list who’s taught me a neat trick.

Audrey Wong, who graciously chaperoned me on a tour of Singaporean nightlife in 2002, has been an on-again, off-again penpal via MSN ever since. We don’t chat as much as we used to, but in the past two weeks that I’ve been back on chat I’ve noticed that when online she frequently changes her screen name to reflect her mood, as in:

“Stressed Out”,

“Maximum Drey”, and most recently

“Drey is Down”.

It’s hard not to feel like a stalker when someone posts their state of mind for everyone on the internet to see. Thankfully, she pinged me for a quick hello this morning, and is only down because she’s stuck staging a corporate event on an island resort in China. Sounds rough…

Drama Program

• Café, directed by Kelvin Sng
  • Cultures collide in a late-night café, and the Japanese guy watching the proceedings seems to get it all wrong. The audience loveed the character with the heavy Singlish accent.
• Parcel, directed by Lu Lu Yang
  • A young postman is haunted by a violent childhood memory. The package that he carries around turns out to be empty. I didn’t get it.
• Strings, directed by Jon Lim
  • A creepy take on the ties that bind, and easily the audience favourite of the afternoon. More than a bit derivative of Ringu and Ju-on: The Grudge but hey, why mess with the classics?
• More Than Words, directed by Kelvin Sng
  • A bitter-sweet gangster romance, set in the ‘70s. Kudos to the costume designer for the bell-bottom pants and platform shoes!

Documentary Program

• Past Tense, directed by Mirabelle Ang
  • A lyrical piece on the narrator’s return to the lion state. A bit too arty for me.
• Singapore Rebel, directed by Martyn See
  • Profiling Dr. Chee Soon Juan‘s ongoing attempts to bring true democracy to Singapore. Pretty disheartening that the government basically bankrupted this guy out of running for office…
• Singapore Ga Ga, directed by Pin Pin Tan
  • Due to technical difficulties we only saw the first few minutes of this film, a look into Singapore’s more colourful local characters. Too bad. It looked very promising.

During the intermission between the two programs the audience was treated a free indigenous buffet—but sadly, no durian.

My sincere thanks and congratulations to Yeow-Tong Chia and all the volunteers who made this event happen. I’d say it was a big success!

(A platter of Singapore Slings served up at the famous Raffles Hotel…)

Apologies for this very last minute heads-up, but if anyone’s interested there’s a Singapore Short Film Festival happening this afternoon at Innis Town Hall. It starts at 12:45pm, so you still have a couple of hours to make it there!

After that we were invited to the home of our producer, for a delicious home-cooked lunch and a sari fashion show by the ladies in our troupe. The kind hospitality of our hosts didn’t end there. After the show I had the distinct pleasure of spending the evening — well, pretty much up to an hour before our departure — in the company of a delightful young lady who just happens to be our producer’s intern. While the others enjoyed a late-night nosh at the Newton Hawker Centre, I was whisked off in a tricked-out Jetta (whose driver was, shall we say, “nicely toasted”) to Zouk, home base for Singapore party people. The complex holds at least three clubs, each with different themes and music; we made it to two of them. As befitting a temple of dance culture, each room had a central stage that kids could hop up on to be seen. Under the influence of a few drinks myself, I was coerced into doing just that, and no sooner did I take my position when a blast of cold steam blinded me from above, in time to the pounding jungle rhythms. Any mojo that I had enjoyed up to that point was instantly lost; I shrieked liked an old lady!

I’m still not sure how I managed to make the 6:50am flight to Hong Kong, but I persevered, and was rewarded with the chance to visit Sham Shui Po and The Golden Centre, yet another massive electronics mall. Never before have I seen rows of people staring thoughtfully at displays of bare circuit boards and processors, but my personal favourite was the pirated software in the basement, their packaging disguised with animated characters — who wouldn’t want a copy of Microsoft Office with the Power-Puff Girls on the box?

Before heading back to the airport I stopped in to pick up my finished suit. For about $600 Canadian, I am now the proud owner of a hand-tailored three-piece cashmere suit, plus a built-to-order cotton shirt and complimentary tie. The proprietor does a brisk business, so if you’re planning a visit to Hong Kong, let Malik the suit man know you’re coming!

Back at the airport, our Air Canada sugar daddy arranged for us to get passes to the executive lounge while we waited for our flight. We actually had a choice of the Royal Thai Orchid Lounge or United’s Red Carpet Club, but once inside either of them, we had to stay there. We chose poorly — UA’s airport oasis offered only oreos for food, and two beer fountains that didn’t work! But all was forgiven when our entire posse got bumped up to business class, for both legs of the journey home. I’ve divided my time between sleeping and writing this… Now I’m going to watch my Singapore movies on VCD!

I finally found my VCD copy of Money No Enough, the top-grossing Singaporean film of all time. I was also persuaded to get a copy of Talking Cock, which I’m really hoping isn’t a porno film. Another CD I’m hoping to find is a regular audio one; since being here I’ve twice heard oldies from the ’70s backed by a pumping disco beat and with sped-up vocals, Alvin & The Chipmunks-style. I was surprised to hear John Denver’s “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” done up in this manner, and downright shocked at a similar treatment of Supertramp’s “Logical Song”.

The first part of our Friday afternoon was spent at Raffles Hotel, first at their decadent buffet lunch, and then at The Long Bar, birthplace of the Singapore Sling. We’ll have to see if the cocktail glass I swiped survives the baggage handlers on the way home.

After that it was back to the theatre for some on-camera interviews with Andrew Chew, a local documentary filmmaker. Watching each other have questions put to them about comedy was a neat way of gaining insight into the passion we share about our craft. Perhaps it inspired us to do our best show yet that night; perhaps it was also the wonderful audience we had, with my old high school chum Ray Deonandan sitting in the front row. Either way, it sure is going to hard going back to Toronto, where I’ll be just another number auditioning for a Tim Horton’s spot

Once I got over my hangover this morning, three of us set out for our first-ever Singapore subway ride and some bargain-hunting in the shops of Malay Village. But first we had some indigenous breakfast in a local food court. My appetizer was two pieces of grilled bread with peanut butter and cheese. Kooky.

I stopped at one of the stalls to get myself a couple of henna tattoos, mostly to impress the young ladies that had come out shopping with us. If you’ve never heard of henna, well… It’s basically liquefied cow patties that get squeezed out of a tube onto your arm, or wherever else you want it. The tattoos only last about two weeks at best, but that didn’t stop Doug Morency and I from engaging in a little one-upsmanship: I started with an armband that would never be seen beneath my shirt, he raised me with a forearm scorpion, then I trumped him a dragon in the same place.

You’re supposed to let the dung dry on your arm for at least half an hour, then scrape off the excess. That’s where the trouble started. By the time we got back to the hotel I had somehow smeared cow shit all over my pants and shirt. Luckily I have both spares and laundry facilities within the building. And the morning after, my new dragon doesn’t look so bad.

One other thing I picked up was a CD of Indonesian jazz, which I’m listening to right now!

First, though, there was the matter of some requisite gadget shopping at Sim Lim square. Bargain hunting for such items in this city-state seems to be a waste of time, but Sim Lim manages to distinguish itself a bit with some straight-from-Japan product. Just down the street I met up with the rest of the gang to tour Little India, and with shoes and socks respectfully parked outside, paid my first-ever visit to a Hindu Temple.

Only half of my comedy colleagues stuck it out for a visit to the Night Safari, but it was well-worth it. Imagine yourself on the set of Jurassic Park, with CGI dinosaurs replaced by living, breathing nocturnal wildlife, and you can only begin to understand what an incredible experience this is. At different points of the 40-hectare park I found myself eye to eye with a trio of giant hanging bats, audience to a gaggle of screaming baby otters (fun by day, cranky at night?), witness to the terrifying howls of laughing hyenas and privy to some Himalayan tigers actually meowing for food — the sound is a lot deeper, but still instantly recognizable to a cat owner like myself.

After a scant few hours of sleep the presence of myself and Jenny Parsons was requested for an interview on Mandarin TV. It’s more than a little nerve-wracking to be on live television in a two-shot next to someone who’s talking at length about you in a language you don’t understand. Thankfully, the actual questions were addressed to us in our native tongue.

Tonight is our opening night; stay tuned for a full report tomorrow!

I’m on that flight right now, writing this in a desperate attempt to stay awake after a full day in the Pearl of the Orient. We touched down about an hour early and were in downtown HK by 8am, at which point we split into two groups — the neophytes went off to see the city from its famous peak, and the veterans boarded a rickety local bus bound for the junks of Aberdeen.

The ride there was almost the best part of our south side island jaunt. Our fearless driver swung his vehicle around blind corners with enough reckless abandon to challenge any theme park attraction for sheer white-knuckle thrills. Once we got to our destination, a half-hour tour of the harbour there gave us more than our money’s worth. You’ll have to wait for photos of that.

After a requisite dim sum brunch at the Star Ferry harbour I dragged the gang over to Kowloon, so’s I could get myself fitted for a custom-tailored suit. A mere two hours after my initial measurement-taking, I tried on an actual pair of pants, a vest, and a one-sleeved jacket. All without cuffs, collars or lining, of course, but a mightily impressive feat nonetheless. Apparently no less than 65 people will be working on this one-of-a-kind ensemble over the next week — I’m picking it up this Sunday, and hope to wear it at Second Cine on December 3rd!

The next time you’ll hear from me will hopefully be sometime Monday evening — Tuesday morning, Singapore time — and that’s assuming the high-speed ‘Net connection in my hotel plays well with my iBook.

In the meantime, two things to keep you busy:

1. If it isn’t already sold out, you should definitely catch Heino’s Happy Hour at The Tim Sims Playhouse tonight. Mainstage alum Marc Hickox hosts, with an eerily accurate impersonation of the famous (in Germany, anyway) celebrity. Plus, you get free Jagermeister!
2. Pop-punkers Green Day have started an online petition against the coming war on Iraq. Hey, you never know…